If you’re just joining me, you can read part 1 here.

Twelve years into my marriage (2011), life seemed like it should be great. After all, I had everything I’d dreamed of my whole life. I was a work-at-home mom with a husband and children I dearly loved. I had two online businesses, taught piano, played and sang regularly for church, and did all the other requisite “mom” things. Until two years ago, I also home schooled our three girls.

I cannot tell you how many people told me, both in person and online, “Wow! You are incredible! How do you do it all? You must be SuperMom!”

Whenever those comments would be made, I’d hastily point out that I don’t do it all, that I’m constantly juggling balls and waiting for the crash, and that, in fact, the SuperMom persona people applied to me was so totally not my reality. Inside, I constantly felt like I was holding on for dear life but that inevitably I’d have to let go and fall. I felt like I was a complete and utter failure, that no matter what I did, it was never good enough. That I could never live up to everyone’s expectations for me. That I was such a miserable human being that everyone (husband, kids, family, friends, clients, anyone who ever met me) must be disappointed in me and secretly scorn me for being such a failure.

Although my feelings were very dark, I thought they were normal feelings that everyone else experienced and lived with, too. I figured if everyone else in the world managed to push through the feelings of despair and failure, I should be able to as well. It didn’t matter that I’d felt that way since before I was a teenager. It didn’t matter that I’d often think everyone would be better off if I no longer existed to screw up their lives.

I hid my feelings with a smile and laughter, always trying to do better, be better, change myself – always trying to meet the expectations I believed I should be meeting.

Until the time came when my secret despair became more than I could handle.

From the time I was very young, I knew that I wanted to get married, have kids (for most of my growing up years, I wanted 12 children), take care of my husband and children, teach piano from my home, and be a church pianist. I formed a mental picture of what my ideal grownup life looked like, and as time passed, conscious and unconscious beliefs shaped that image.

Finally, after what seemed a very long wait, I grew up. My life looked very much like my childish dreams had pictured – loving husband, five darling children, music ministry at church, piano lessons given at home, and, eventually, two web design businesses.

I tried my best to be the “perfect” wife, mother, and woman.

• I tried to speak with kindness at all times. (Yeah, that didn’t happen.)
• I took personal responsibility when anything I was involved with went wrong.
• I attempted to always forgive and forget when others hurt me (even when they never acknowledged their wrongdoing or asked for forgiveness).
• I was a listening ear to anyone in any kind of distress (real or imagined) and tried to make others feel good about themselves.
• I avoided conflict whenever possible, choosing to be silent if I disagreed with someone else rather than risk hurting feelings or getting into an argument.
• I agreed to take on just about anything anyone asked me to do, figuring that they needed my help or they wouldn’t have asked for it.
• I constantly read self-help books dealing with the areas of life where I felt most inadequate – marriage, housekeeping, and parenting.
• I begged God to forgive me for (losing my temper, letting people down, not keeping up with housework, or … the list was interminable) and to make me a better person.

In short, I attempted to cram myself into the mold that I perceived as leading me to be the woman God wanted me to be.

After all, I had been assured by people I admired and respected that if I did “these” specific things, my marriage would be heavenly, my kids would be perfect angels who would never do wrong, and I’d be the real life version of the idealized Proverbs 31 Woman. And from comments people made, it appeared that others thought I was doing a pretty good job – SUPER, even!

Why, then, did I constantly feel like an absolute, horrible failure?

I built a fortress, tall and strong -
Built it deep and built it long.
Built it so that I’d be free
From threats against my deepest me.

Bit by bit the walls grew high
Until they nearly reached the sky,
Sheltering, protecting, shutting out
Tears within and fears without.

I built a fortress but found on waking
I was locked within
a prison of my own making.

~ Revka Stearns

Not so long ago, my world once again grew dark. But this time, I had a friend who was able to see that I needed help and was able to help me understand that what I was experiencing was not normal, that I didn’t have to fight it alone, and that I could get help.

Cutting out quite a bit, I’ll just say that I did get help, and I’m very thankful I did. I’m no longer in that dark place, and I’m hopeful that I have seen the last of it for a very long time, if not forever.

I wrote the poem above in one of my dark times during the past months. I’ve shared before about the walls I’ve built and about my desire to tear down those walls. I’d shared some of the progress that I’d made in dismantling those barriers.

Today, I’m rejoicing in the fact that I’ve been able to identify and discard a lot of the reasons I had for erecting my fortress. I’m making great headway in finding the courage to be true to myself rather than trying to meet everyone else’s expectations for me. And life is good.

True to my procrastinating nature, this exchange happened several months ago, and I am just now getting around to sharing my music. In 2006 (wow – 5 years ago!), I had the opportunity to record some of my favorite piano arrangements, including 5 arrangements I created.

I have now converted my arrangements to mp3 format and am making them available for you to download for free if you wish. Here’s the link to download all 5 arrangements in a .zip file: http://berriesandcreamblogdesign.com/sacred-solos-by-revka-stearns.zip.

If you’d rather pick and choose, here are individual links, which will open in a new tab/window:

• It Is Well with My Soul
• To God Be the Glory
• I Surrender All
• Send the Light
• Tell It to Jesus

Thanks for all the support and encouragement you’ve provided since I started blogging in 2006.

Sometimes the holidays are hard. If that’s the case for you, I’m praying that this season brings you three of the greatest treasures life can hold – love, joy, and peace.

I find that my family brings me much joy, and it has been a long time since I have shared any photos with you. I’ll bring this brief greeting to a close with some pics of happy memories made with my family over the past few days. Much love to you all.

Melted Snowman Christmas cookies – the recipe and instructions are at Smashed Peas and Carrots (love that name!) and was found through a link at A Dusty Frame. Thanks, Lizzie! This was a fun activity for all of us, and the cookies were both adorable and delicious.

Pookie Bear decorating her cookies

Miss Muffet and Buddy Bear – he just wanted to watch and play with his blocks

Miss Muffet and Baby Bear

It snowed today, which is a rarity where we live. Daddy played outside with Pookie Bear, Baby Bear, and Buddy Bear while Miss Muffet and I sensibly played inside where it was warm. Looked like we missed out on some fun, though.

Pookie Bear

Buddy Bear – I couldn’t find his mittens so he’s wearing his sisters’ purple mittens but he doesn’t care

Baby Bear throwing a snowball at her Daddy just as he took her photo

Here are some of my favorites:

• the entire Photos category – Oh, how our family has changed! I have so many pictures to add now. I can’t believe the last pictures I posted of Buddy Bear are from July, 2009! You won’t believe the difference when I finally get recent pics up.
• funny stories – about pennies and pianos, my klutzy and scatterbrained ways, Wal-Mart’s idea of a rollback, our cat, and stuff my children have said
• creative writing – All in a Day’s Work, Definitely Not Aleve, sailing poem, Treachery
• recipes – Grandmother McKinley’s Corn Casserole, Milk Chocolate Bar Cake, Homemade Bread, TexMex Crock Burritos, Chicken Parmesan, Italian Meatballs, Homemade Pizza, Heavenly Hot Chocolate Mix
• trips – 2009 anniversary trip, family vacation to NASCAR country, 2007 anniversary trip, family vacation to Tweetsie Railroad

And I was reminded of the great friends I’ve made through blogging:

• Karen – she has become one of my closest friends and though we don’t often get to see each other IRL, we keep in touch by phone and email
• Lizzie – what an encouragement she is to me
• Holly – Her kindness, compassion, and willingness to help me at one of the lowest points in my life has earned her my undying love; she has proved to be a true friend on more than one occasion
• Jen (New Zealand) – she won a piano CD I gave away and we developed a rapport; she has always been an encouragement to me
• Jen from My Derbe – this is another precious lady who lifted me up when I was so far down I thought I’d never get up again
• DramaMama – her comments are always refreshing and encouraging; I love her story about being locked in her house LOL
• Jan – she’s the one who told me about Windows Live Writer and PhotoShop Elements
• Frank – his blog is now gone, but I still treasure our conversations and exchange of ideas, even if I did once embarrass myself by calling him Steve

What great memories this all brings back for me. What are some of your favorite blogging memories?

Life, as always, has been incredibly busy. I will make time to post photos – soon, I hope. But in the meantime, a written summary will simply have to do.

After I did a miserable job of home schooling last year (’09 -’10_, Mr. Incredible and I decided the girls needed to be in school this year (’10 -’11). With that in mind, we enjoyed ourselves this summer.

The highlight of the summer was when we rented a cabin in Gatlinburg for 3 days and took the kids to Dollywood. We bought Play Another Day (2-day) tickets through the cabin rental agency. They were the same price as the normal 1-day tickets, and they made our lives so much easier. Instead of having to cram everything into one day, we were able to call it quits when the kids got tired, knowing that we would be able to come back the next day.

Everyone had a great time, even Buddy Bear. He didn’t want to ride many rides, but he still had fun watching his sisters.

Pookie Bear surprised us by choosing to ride a couple of the more exciting rides. She was so happy that she was tall enough to ride almost anything she wanted.

Miss Muffet and Baby Bear were disappointed they couldn’t do everything their older sister could, but they were consoled by the large number of rides that they were tall enough to experience.

Toward the end of the summer, Grandma, Mama (great-grandmother), and Papa (great-grandfather) got the three girls and took them to their great-uncle’s place at the beach for a week. Robert, Buddy Bear, and I were able to go down that Friday and Saturday, and it was so relaxing.

Now school is in session, and we’re adjusting to the new routine and lifestyle. The girls are enjoying school. Baby Bear, my mischievous one, has been in time-out a couple of times and also had to stand at the wall at recess one day. She kept jumping up out of her seat and talking without permission. I wasn’t exactly surprised she got in trouble, but we read her the riot act and let her know that she must obey at school and that trouble at school means trouble at home. She hasn’t been in trouble since the middle of last week.

Pookie Bear and Miss Muffet are doing just fine. I think Pookie Bear has made the smoothest transition.

In July, we found out that we are expecting our 5th (and final) child. I’m due March 13, and I am sooooooo excited to be completing our family.

While it has always seemed that one child was missing, I really don’t like being pregnant, nor am I in love with labor and delivery. I do, however, love my little tykes.

I just passed the 13 week mark, and I think I’m finally starting to feel a bit better. I hope it’s not just a temporary state.

I just hit the highlights, but this post is still plenty long. I’ll try to blog here more often. (Let’s be clear that I’m not making any promises, though!) I miss the outlet I have here, and I miss interacting with you guys.

How did your summer go? Anything exciting happening your way?