Living with Darkness

I’m going to tell you a secret. My struggle with depression is not over. It was just this spring that I was determined to commit suicide.

Depression has been my lifelong nemesis.

Memories from as young as six years old contain feelings of deep sadness, hopelessness, helplessness, and worthlessness. I felt unloved, misunderstood, afraid, angry, and resigned. Those feelings continued through adolescence, my teen and college years, and on into adulthood. The intensity of my feelings waxed and waned, but they were always there in some way.… Read the rest

Fearing Negative Emotions

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” ~II Timothy 1:7

Fear. I’m confronting it in my life, learning to recognize its grip and its consequences. I’m amazed to realize how often fear rules me. Fear not only deprives me of loving relationships but also greatly hampers my growth in just about every area of which I can think.

  • faith and spiritual life
  • social interactions
  • emotions
  • business transactions
  • volunteer work
  • finances
  • interpersonal relations

I can think of specific instances in which fear has held me back or even harmed me in every single one of these areas.… Read the rest

Trust Issues

I love this blog. It’s my place. Yes, I invited you in when I made it public, but this is my space. I choose what to write, when to write, why to write. And my choices spasm and cycle, reflecting my life’s spasmodic cycling.

If I’ve been reading a lot, my blog tends to reflect that, being peppered with book reviews. (Like my last, oh, ten or so posts.) If I’m feeling angst-ridden, my blog posts mirror that angst.… Read the rest

Masquerade

Bottle it all up tight And throw away the key. Put on a happy face For everyone to see.

Push back the silent tears; Ignore your bleak despair. Dress up in perfect style From toe tip to your hair.

Show them what they want to see – A happy, perfect life. You’re the best girl around – A model mom and wife.

They do not know or care That you are really dead, Filled not with happiness But misery instead.… Read the rest

When SuperMom Loses Her Super – Part 3

If you know me in real life, please understand that making this public is very hard for me and that I may not actually want to talk about this in person. You’re welcome to try to talk to me about it, but don’t be surprised or offended if I don’t respond in-depth.

If you’re just joining me, you can read part 1 here and part 2 here.

Little Bear was born in March, 2011. The pregnancy was my most difficult, and I was thrilled to finally welcome my little fella into the world.… Read the rest

When SuperMom Loses Her Super – Part 2

If you know me in real life, please understand that making this public is very hard for me and that I may not actually want to talk about this in person. You’re welcome to try to talk to me about it, but don’t be surprised or offended if I don’t respond in-depth.

If you’re just joining me, you can read part 1 here.

Twelve years into my marriage (2011), life seemed like it should be great.… Read the rest

When SuperMom Loses Her Super – Part 1

If you know me in real life, please understand that making this public is very hard for me and that I may not actually want to talk about this in person. You’re welcome to try to talk to me about it, but don’t be surprised or offended if I don’t respond in-depth.

From the time I was very young, I knew that I wanted to get married, have kids (for most of my growing up years, I wanted 12 children), take care of my husband and children, teach piano from my home, and be a church pianist.… Read the rest